DID JANET CAUSE TOM TO BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC?
"Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct" (Galatians 6:4-5, NLT).
A Daily Encounter reader, whom I will call Janet, wrote asking if it were right for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. Naturally, I answered her question telling her what I believed the Bible taught on this subject. Janet wrote to me again this week telling me that she had broken up with her fiancé, whom I shall call Tom, because she saw that it wasn't God's will for her to marry an unbeliever. It was very painful for she loved him very much. Following the breakup she dreamt that he committed suicide, but after further counsel she saw that her dream was caused by her fear, and not by the devil as she first thought.
Janet made another statement, the answer to which I feel could help many people. She said that her breakup caused her former fiancé to become an alcoholic. I think that it would be safe to say that many people feel that they are responsible for somebody else's behavior. If only they could have loved their husband more, he wouldn't have become an alcoholic or any of a host of other problematic conditions.
Not true!
Janet was very fortunate she decided to heed God's Word to not marry this man. There is no way that she caused him to become an alcoholic. You can be almost positive that he already was an alcoholic. She just didn't realize it because he had it well hidden, or she may have been blinded to it. He certainly would have had an addictive personality. He also has a deep unresolved emotional problem of which his alcoholism is just a symptom.
As certain as the sun rises every morning and sets every evening, had Janet married Tom, sooner or later (probably sooner) the alcoholism would have reared its ugly head.
When we accept the responsibility for somebody else's negative behavior, we are being co-dependent. And that's our side of the problematic equation. And it's not only women who do this. We men do it too. I know, for I was a super-co-dependent. I grew up taking care of my mother, my younger sisters and the family home. So what kind of a person was I attracted to in younger days--someone who needed to be taken care of. I mistook need for love and paid dearly for it.
What we all need to realize is that while it is important that we don't intentionally cause a weaker brother or sister to stumble, we are not responsible for their actions or behavior. They are, as we are for ours. What we also need to see is why we are attracted to an alcoholic or any other kind of needy or unhealthy person. It is because of our own sickness and immaturity.
When we have a need to be needed to feel loved, or feel a compulsion to rescue others from the consequences of their irresponsible actions, we are being co-dependent and immature. We can't change the other person or anybody else. The only person we can ever change is ourselves. And that's what we all need to see, to understand, to accept responsibility for, and to do.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to accept full responsibility for my own unresolved issues and areas of immaturity and not try to rescue others as a means of avoiding facing my own immaturity. And help me always to live in harmony with your will as revealed in your Word, the Bible. Gratefully, in Jesus' name. Amen."
A Daily Encounter reader, whom I will call Janet, wrote asking if it were right for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. Naturally, I answered her question telling her what I believed the Bible taught on this subject. Janet wrote to me again this week telling me that she had broken up with her fiancé, whom I shall call Tom, because she saw that it wasn't God's will for her to marry an unbeliever. It was very painful for she loved him very much. Following the breakup she dreamt that he committed suicide, but after further counsel she saw that her dream was caused by her fear, and not by the devil as she first thought.
Janet made another statement, the answer to which I feel could help many people. She said that her breakup caused her former fiancé to become an alcoholic. I think that it would be safe to say that many people feel that they are responsible for somebody else's behavior. If only they could have loved their husband more, he wouldn't have become an alcoholic or any of a host of other problematic conditions.
Not true!
Janet was very fortunate she decided to heed God's Word to not marry this man. There is no way that she caused him to become an alcoholic. You can be almost positive that he already was an alcoholic. She just didn't realize it because he had it well hidden, or she may have been blinded to it. He certainly would have had an addictive personality. He also has a deep unresolved emotional problem of which his alcoholism is just a symptom.
As certain as the sun rises every morning and sets every evening, had Janet married Tom, sooner or later (probably sooner) the alcoholism would have reared its ugly head.
When we accept the responsibility for somebody else's negative behavior, we are being co-dependent. And that's our side of the problematic equation. And it's not only women who do this. We men do it too. I know, for I was a super-co-dependent. I grew up taking care of my mother, my younger sisters and the family home. So what kind of a person was I attracted to in younger days--someone who needed to be taken care of. I mistook need for love and paid dearly for it.
What we all need to realize is that while it is important that we don't intentionally cause a weaker brother or sister to stumble, we are not responsible for their actions or behavior. They are, as we are for ours. What we also need to see is why we are attracted to an alcoholic or any other kind of needy or unhealthy person. It is because of our own sickness and immaturity.
When we have a need to be needed to feel loved, or feel a compulsion to rescue others from the consequences of their irresponsible actions, we are being co-dependent and immature. We can't change the other person or anybody else. The only person we can ever change is ourselves. And that's what we all need to see, to understand, to accept responsibility for, and to do.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to accept full responsibility for my own unresolved issues and areas of immaturity and not try to rescue others as a means of avoiding facing my own immaturity. And help me always to live in harmony with your will as revealed in your Word, the Bible. Gratefully, in Jesus' name. Amen."
posted by Indla Daniel | 4:50 PM
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